Where does Love go?
One foot in front of the other, I slowly and deliberately walk back down the stairs after having spoken at my grandpa's funeral, still shaking from emotion, I can't believe this day is finally here. Heart holding the grief of the fact that in the past I had always held my grandpa's hand - at my great granny and my granny's funerals - now I couldn't. It was time to say goodbye to him without his hand holding mine.
I sit back down next to my boy, as I do, he reaches over and holds my hand tight. He didn't let go throughout.
My heart melts, here is my rock this time.
Life means we lose people, we lose pets, friends, partners, it happens - and where does that love go when the physical recipient of that being is no longer there? I used to feel it as an ache, a vortex like pull on my heart, as the love I had for Alex as the person he was felt like is was trying to go somewhere, but that person wasn't real anymore and it could anger me as my heart yelled 'he's not there anymore! This love has no place now!'. I would question where the love once shared went when it didn't exist in the same format, did it mean I would always have this part of me lost and wandering around in the ethos searching?
My grandpa departed from this life and left with a devoted love to me that has silently, vocally, energetically, prayerfully and loudly carried me for 42 years. I have found the absence of 'feeling' this love extremely hard. I still need to feel it from him, it has brought me so much comfort, confidence and 'safeness' over the years.
The experiences I have had with loss have left me searching for an answer to the question 'where does love go?'. My conclusion is, it doesn't! It doesn't go, it remains in side and around us. It can transmute and is available and present always - it is just no longer attached to a thing or being in the same way. So it still exists.
This love that once existed in the physical world does not go anywhere. It remains unattached and accessible. It was real, it remains real and as love transmutes, it forms the foundations of different patterns in our being, forever welding awkward sore parts to be a loved, scarred beautiful part of us, should we choose. It is memories, feelings, smells that incite familiarity, it is warmth and sadness and loss and joy all interwoven. It needs to remain and be remembered. With the person gone, it does not mean that love is lost and unrecoverable, it is still present, still love within you, around you and something that surrounds you. It remembers that person for you, carries that person with you.
Love is an energy and without the same place to go to anymore - this can feel utterly, soul destroyingly tragic.
It is through the beauty, chaos and tragedies in life that love still automatically knows what to do - we need to trust that it still does in the absence of that person physically being there. We need to trust that that love is still there, and it helps carry the hurt of our loss.
Reaching for the unreachable is painful. When we don't understand what becomes of the love we once received and gave, the sense of loss and futility is overwhelming. But sometimes, if we can sit with the ache, the reach, in the quiet and the still we feel their love reaching back. It is our reminder of what we had - and this love is to be nurtured and celebrated. It doesn't dissipate, it wasn't that the love disappeared, nor is the love out there lost for good - it is still there in a form now you can draw on to strengthen you in this next bit of life.
Peace and love