Nine since you took my hand in yours, since you winked at me, cheekily pinched my bum or asked how I was.
Nine years since we held each other. Now I hold you.
Once upon a time there was this man, this father, this husband, this son, this friend, this uncle, this cousin, this brother. Once upon a time we were living our happily ever after. In the south of France, 4 young kids, a veg patch, 6 chickens, 6 ducks (who lived in our giant paddling pool 🙄, despite the fact they had their own pond), 3 stray cats & a dog. We worked hard towards achieving this life, we were living our messy dream.
Once upon a time our world was full to the brim of hopes & dreams & possibility, joint plans, navigating life together, equilibrium. Once upon a time this man was the best dad, exuberant, invincible, dynamic, funny. Once upon a time my husband was my confidant, my best friend, he was my soul mate, my life, my world. He was my encourager, my truth teller, my challenger, my heart beat the same rhythm as his.
Once upon a time my husband was my strength, my guide, my counsel and my ‘it’s ok, baby, I’m here’.
Once upon a time I felt held by him, depended on him, sought his advice. When he went, I wanted to share it all with him, tell him what I was going through, ask his advice, seek his comfort. He was the only person I wanted to share it with.
Ambiguous loss is harsh, it’s scary & it’s ongoing. I will never be able to share what I’ve been through with the one person I need to share it with.
I have nearly been as long without him as we were together before the accident. As the 10 year mark approaches, I feel out of control, like I am slipping down a track, looking back to you - out of reach.
The kids have grown without knowing the dad that you were, that fun, affectionate, loving pillar of strength, they have gone from babies to young adults without you. We live with hearts that will ache for you for eternity, but we have learned how to nourish that with so much love - from others, from each other. We have held each other & cried with one another, we’ve created such utter joy-filled lives, with laughter & walks & fires on the beach, with swims in the sea, cuppas with friends & ice-creams on rainy, galey beaches in Winter. We have sung & fallen about laughing, we have mourned your presence & longed for you. There’s no replacing you, there never will be! There’s no ‘getting over you’, there will always be that pain. But we are together, loving you in a unit that is bound from this life through all ages. We miss you, Alex, from the depths of our souls. We are learning every day what doing life without you means, & we are doing it with love at the epicentre of it all.