G.C.S.E Results - it's Your Focus, not the Grade.
I watch my boy grow, I have watched this human grow from boy to young man. He has done this with commitment to himself, a self assured knowledge that if he follows his heart, he won’t go far wrong. He knows he can do hard things.
7.30 am, I sit, blue sky, clouds thrown irratically, swelling in a sky giving way to them. I watch waves lap somewhat nonchalantly onto the pebbles. A dog barks rhymically somewhere in the distance, birds float, fly, dive… I hadn’t been able to sleep. I gave up around 5 ish and set off walking around 7. Walking has become my go-to stress relief. Although my depression has, for the most part lifted, my anxiety still reigns, and it takes some concerted effort to get used to living with it and accepting it as part of me without resenting it. I just talk myself through it every morning – ‘it’s ok, you’re ok. You are doing really well, I am proud of you, I love you.’ I am learning to be me, accept me and strengthen myself without guilt-ridden fear that I am selfish for looking after myself.
This morning’s anxiety seems to be rooted in sadness over the fact that today is G.C.S.E results day. I watch my boy grow, I have watched this human grow from boy to young man. He has done this with commitment to himself, a self assured knowledge that if he follows his heart, he won’t go far wrong. He knows he can do hard things.
We Can Do Hard Things...
As I walk back in he is in the kitchen emptying the dishwasher, my heart skips a beat as he smiles at me ‘morning mum, how was your walk?’ I burst into tears! He cuddles me and asks what’s up. Leaning on his shoulder I tell him that this is one of the most monumental days so far for him/us as a family and it is just another one we are doing without his dad. I said it had just got to me, but it would pass. He stops cuddling me, looks at me and says ‘dad would be as proud of you as I know he would be of me’. How wise my children are, how Alex speaks through them and how they display the love they cultivate that has replenished their souls from what they have faced - this has been sown into all they do.
We drive, breathing, chatting life and what’s important or not, to collect his results. He brings out the envelope; we sit for a second. He opens it, reads out his grades. We faced it together. We faced another thing together. We faced another life-moment without his dad.
I drive home to the girls to let them know his results – they already know, he’s texted them already! I love their communication, how they look out for one another, have each other’s back, show an interest in each other’s lives.
It’s ‘one of those days’ for me today, and that’s ok. I have learned to allow these times without berating myself that I am not ‘moved on enough yet’, whatever that may entail?!
It is difficult to give yourself permission to first begin looking after yourself – the fear of the unknown, of what might come out if you do give yourself time to stop and just be. But I am learning how healing and how necessary this all is. In the hard, the challenge, the sad, the uncomfortable, in the dark, the stress, the ‘can’t go on’s’, in the hurt, the pain, the grief, the brokenness; it is shedding, ready for the next layer. It is uncomfortable because it is for something ultimately. We cannot stagnate, merely existing and be on an equilibrium and expect growth from this. Challenge, discomfort is GOOD. It’s hard and it hurts and is scary as, but it is FOR you, not against you.
As my son got the results he didn’t expect, he said ‘well, it’s done, it’s now my motivation to be better in the next stage of schooling, I am focusing on that now’. He did extremely well as it happens, but not exactly as we had thought. But he has used it to motivate him, to hone his focus and I am more proud of his attitude than any grade he may achieve ever.
I am no longer trying to escape myself - I am walking beside myself now on a path of being kinder to myself. Monty’s exemplary attitude demonstrates how your focus is your strength, your focus is what you will grow from – I am choosing to focus on my growth through love.